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...And Out
Shutdown
The first treatment ended on Friday May 12. The last bag of chemotherapy was unhooked from my central line a little
after three that afternoon.
At last I could move around uninhibited by a pole with wheels, and a blue electronic box which beeped every time I moved in my sleep! This small bit of freedom felt fantastic. Anne came to visit me a little later that afternoon. She told me that I would soon start to feel very ill, and that perhaps I should go out with my wife for the evening while I was still feeling OK.
We made reservations for an expensive Italian restaurant in Melbourne.
I put on my best clothes and we called a cab. I ordered a small serving from every section on the menu! The food was great, the bill was even greater! Near the end of the evening I was starting to feel a little weak. We paid and caught a cab back to the hospital.
As I walked down the corridor towards my bed I suddenly felt very sick. I made it to the toilets, and after violently throwing up I collapsed on the floor in a heap. The chemotherapy was taking effect...
Later that night I was given platelets because my blood count was low.
I began to shake controllably in reaction to the blood. I was throwing up regularly and my bowels were loose. Within a few days I could not control my body. I needed to sleep on an absorbent mat and could not eat solid foods. Slowly, it felt as though my body was shutting down.
Two Long Weeks
The next two weeks were hell. My digestive system had shut down. I could not eat or drink. When my mouth
got dry I had to suck on ice.
My blood counts were steadily bottoming out, and so my temperature went up and down with each fever. I had fluid around my heart, my kidneys were playing up and my lungs were tight. I went from weighing eighty three kilograms to weighing just sixty six in about fourteen days. I lost all the muscle tone, my hair had since fallen out and I could hardly sit up in bed. There were nights when my wife would sleep over in a makeshift bed next to me because I didn't think I'd make it through the storm.
At the points during that time when I just couldn't go on, when all my energy and strength eluded me, and the way ahead seemed darkest, I would close my eyes and journey within. I would
find the places in my mind where I most wanted to be, and go there.
I would let my imagination take me away, deep into myself. I would take the train bound to a place where I was sitting - on a beach, somewhere in my future, staring out over the waves, all of this behind me...
During the times when I felt a little better, I would make the most of them by going and sitting on the balcony of the hospital.
It looked over the gardens. In the morning, the sun would rise over the Union Buildings in the middle of the park, and I would sit and watch as first light bounced off the golden dome and fell gently on my face. I'd watch as the empty city streets slowly filled with the morning rush. Somehow, the colors were brighter.
The noise of life was in harmony with the day beginning and there seemed to be a bigger, more profound picture to all the was going on out there...
It was our wedding anniversary on Saturday May 28. As the day grew closer I was determined to be able to celebrate with my wife.
She had booked a room at an hotel in Melbourne, and we were going to spend time together, alone. Slowly I began to drink again. At first just water. Then I started eating bland soup (broth), and drinking tea. Eventually, I was eating light meals again, and feeling as though my strength was returning.
The Saturday finally arrived, and I couldn't wait to get out. When my wife picked me up around midday, I was ready with my bags packed.
Anne came to see me to make sure all was OK. She checked my blood counts and gave me the nod.
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