Thursday, August 10, 2000

I felt something last night.  Something dreamless, lurking just beyond my grasp.  Some presence that I have not felt since...  since just before I had leukaemia.  I will tell Jacqui.

Decisions.  We were talking about decisions...

I was adopted at birth into a family environment that allowed no room for self expression.  My father had very definite ideas as to what a woman's place was in the home, and what a man should do with his life as the breadwinner.  Consequently I was driven as a child to follow my father's will in getting the right grades to enter university and get a 'proper' education.  As a young adolescent I really did not know what I wanted to do, except that I loved writing, philosophy and physics.

My grades at school were never exemplary.  I only just made it into university to study Chemical Engineering.  But just three quarters of the way through the first year I realised that I was going to fail dismally.  I packed my bags and joined the South African army.

It was the days out in the African bush, looking up at the African sky, and thinking about what I would do with my life after the two years conscription was up, that I made my first active commitment to myself:
I would go and get a degree to show my father that I had what it took (he was bitterly disappointed when I failed my first year).  And I did.  In 1987 I went back to university and for the next three years I studied for my Bachelor of Commerce degree.  I majored in Business Information Systems. I passed  and in May 1990 I graduated with pretty solid results. I was happy.  I had achieved my goal. Job offers rolled in, I joined a large multinational, and began my career. I was hot!

After a year I got married to a girl I had done university with.  She was a year behind me and thus we waited until she graduated.  This was it.... career, marriage, car, house... all the things my father had done...  then it all went wrong!

This was not me.  I became restless.  I was unhappy all over again.  I was discontent with my life.  I began to question it all - that whisper began again, and grew louder until it was thundering down the waterfalls of my mind.  I could not ignore it.  Natalie left me.  The house fell through.  I ended up living in hotel rooms, travelling across the country and having an affair with a married women.  My life had reached a low.  Looking back, I know now that I caused it all.

What had changed? 
My attitude.
And what affected my attitude? 
That gaping emptiness.  The feeling left inside when that voice from the Spirit calls to the Mind, and the Mind remembers, just for a moment, the real reason for my life.

So I set off once again.  My work took me to Germany, to Brussels and Milan and then to the United States.  Every day passed around me as though I was just observing.  It seemed that I was lost inside my head, searching for a clue.  Searching for me....
As a child I wondered who I was for my heart seemed to lie in a different place than that of my adopted family.  I did not know what I wanted with my life and so I followed my father's dream.  I committed energy to it and was on the path of success when that hollow emptiness found me again.  This time I had no guide.  There were no roadmaps.  There was no 'father' figure that could tell me the way. 

And I felt so hopelessly lost.

For a while I thrashed about in the waters of the river of my life.  I dived into everything that came my way... justifying my lack of focus to my peers by saying I was taking every opportunity.  I could not admit to the state in which I was.  I could not show that I was so far off track.  But slowly the brave and confident face started to peel away.  The smile started to tarnish.  Soon, when I could not cover up the cracks any longer, I just decided to stop.

I took time off work, went to a travel agent, picked up the first brochure that looked any good, let it fall open on a page (I had read about that trick somewhere...) and viola - my holiday destination:  Contiki, Europe, June 1993.

I was going to find something.  In fact, I didn't really know what I was looking for.  I just knew I had to go.  So I did.  I joined the tour in London.  By the time we reached South of France I had met Jacqui.  At the time I could not figure out what it was... but there was something behind her smile, something buried behind her eyes.  Somewhere, deep within, my Spirit was telling me that with this woman, lay the answers to my deepest questions.

When the tour ended, back in London, I gave Jacqui my number, and said good-bye.  Already, in the opening bars of our symphony, I began to set the exam...

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