Tuesday, July 25, 2000

I have just spent some time in Bangkok.

I have been fortunate enough, in my work, to have visited many parts of the world.  I was born and bred in Southern Africa; I have been to the USA, to the UK, to France, Monaco, Monte Carlo, Nice, Italy, Austria, Sweden, Germany, Belgium, Holland, New Zealand, Japan, Singapore, and Malaysia.  I now live in Australia and I have just been to Thailand. 

So what?

Well, on the flight back from Bangkok to Melbourne I started to think about my life, how I have lived it, the experiences I have had and what all this has really meant to me.  I thought about the people I have met and the relationships I have had.  I thought about the way in which I acted and reacted in those relationships and experiences.  I thought about all the things that have been said to me that have stuck with me until now.  I thought about what it was in each of these circumstances that kept occurring, again and again.  I thought about the outcomes of each experience and what the common thread was that tied all of my life together. 

What was it that I kept setting up, living through and learning? 
What was the common slant?  What was the common angle?

And then it hit me:  I am scared.  I am deeply afraid.  And the fear is driving me to react, or act, in such a way as to set up the same set of circumstances, the same causes to gain the same reactions, the same sequence of events to lead to the same results... over and over and over again.

What am I afraid of?  An interesting and deeply involved question.  One I have pondered hard over the last few weeks.  Here is my current thinking.  I could be wrong!

I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of rejection.  I am afraid of mediocrity.  As though I have something to prove, I cannot accept not succeeding.

I am afraid of poverty, of hunger, of death.  I am afraid you will disagree with me, that you will judge my work and find it useless.  I am afraid that all that I have learned over the years of my life is wrong.  I am afraid of change.  I am terrified that at the end of my life, when I look back, I will have achieved nothing useful.  I am afraid of regret.

I need approval.  I need to feel wanted, respected, needed. 

Because I fear failure in myself I cannot accept it in others.  I have no time for mistakes and yet I err frequently.  I have no space for ignorance, yet I am often totally mistaken.  I have little tolerance for stupidity, and yet I fail to see the obvious in so many things.

Most importantly, I am petrified... terrified... of Love.

I cannot accept that another human being might love me unconditionally.  I cannot accept that someone might wish to be with me, irrespective of my faults and failures.  And when I start to feel this kind of love around me, I create the circumstances that make it virtually impossible for another person to remain in love with me. 
I lay all the traps. 
I set all the rules. 
I prepare the test. 
And then watch them fail. 
And that way, I behold a self fulfilling prediction that no-one can love me for me.  If anyone gets close, I just up the ante. 

Mostly because I myself just don't know how to return such love.  If I let someone in, and allow them to embrace my soul, then I will surely be unable to return the embrace.  And I will fail. 

And I am deeply afraid of failure.

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